Hermaphrodites Unite n`Shit

4 Hour Panny Banging

2005-06-02T13:08:00.000-07:00

Yep, its as dirty as it sounds. Panny, I love you. But damnit, shave your backhair, please. When Im doing ya from behind my dick gets lost in your back hair and it goes all soft in distress. That puts a real damper on my mood, and I dont even feel like giving you the reach around. How is a Hermaphrodite supposed to cope with this kinda distraction? Other than that, sex has been great lately. Thanks.

So I am supposed to make fun of Panny for 4 hours, ok..here it goes.

Everyone remember that story about Panny hurting his ass by falling off the chair? Hahaha. Yeah, total lie. Its safe now to come out of the closet Panny, but dont be wearing my penny loafers again. You stretched them out farther than J-Lo's ass the last time you wore them. I wouldnt say you have the IQ of a minnow Panny, because afterall, you are MY bitch thats gotta stand for something, but perhaps a Crap. Carp. Same thing. Now now, dont cry, you know your mine and Id never hurt you. Kinda. But you DID ask to be made fun of, right? So I thought of you as I was making a PB (chunky)&J sandwhich. I saw your face midst the spread and thought "hmm, shes hot".. oh wait, that spread was some porn, my bad. So I saw your face in the Jam and thought you looked really nice with a strawberry for an eye. I cant say much for the two peanuts down below though. Not too impressive. Perhaps we can get my Agent Ho to look into that and get some pills for you to take to increase their size. Like, beachball size. Yeah, then I can float on them in the water. I'll hear "Hey, nice balls"...and wave and smile. Of course theyd be talking to you, but Id answer, because Im like that.

Okay, time to go... was this 4 hours? No. But now that Im thinking of you, nature calls. As you can imagine. We WILL continue this discus'. Oh yes.

Hermie\a

Pee or DIE Bitch !!!

2005-05-28T18:50:00.000-07:00

I was educating myself on some drugs that the good ole US of A has available, and I came across one that...well, made me glad I am the twisted hermaphrodite that I am, instead of a pregnant horse. Yes, I'm talking about " Premarin ". Premarin is a drug that is used as an estrogen replacement therapy, to relieve hormonal deficency symptoms associated with menopause or hysterectomy. In other words, Hermie has an idea for an Xmas gift for Mommy Dearest this Xmas. What caught my eye about this drug..is the target ingredient.

Pregnant Mare Urine..aka.. PMU

Now, whats also fun to know, is that there are actually PMU farms that exist, solely for this drug. What a fun job THAT is...collecting the golden ingredient. Its golden, right? Someone.. find out and let me know ASAP, I wont sleep until I know the answer. So, lets read up a bit on how its collected, shall we? Yes. Lets.

Mares enter the collection barns in September and remain until March or
April. Each mare is kept tethered in a narrow stall with a rubber cup positioned
over her vulva to collect the urine flow. Typically, barren or unproductive
mares are sent to the slaughterhouse.
Now dont get all freaked out n shit, Im not gonna ramble on about animal rights. Im just thinking that...this cannot be comfy. Having something cupped over your cunt for 6 months. I wouldnt know, obviously. But I am assuming. If anyone has any first hand knowledge about this, see me immediately so I may make fun of you for 4 hours straight. And stuff.

Vulva Slaps For All.

WTF?

2005-05-26T06:56:00.000-07:00

Where in the fuck have I been?

In a dumpster? Picking up losers at a bar? Fingering my own ass for enjoyment? All of the above actually, yep. But, Im back, if anyone cares!

Digging..Burning

2005-05-01T08:04:00.000-07:00

No. No digging. Im thinking burning. Yep. Burn the bitch. Watch as her little smoke rings of annoyance float up up up up into the sky to nag at the angles. Wait, angels? Hahahahaha.. Dont get excited mom, heaven isnt taking you willingly. No. Satan wont put up with your ass, so he is sending you up there instead. I bet God is banging his head on the clouds in frustration saying.. "Why am I compassionate, why am I compassionate, why am I compassionate.."

"Hermie, I never said those things to you."
"Yes you did bitch!"
"Well, I apologized for that." (Oh, but I thought you didnt say them? hmmm)
"No you didnt bitch!"
"Well, I said Im sorry I HAD to say them."

Now aint that an apology from hell? Fuck her. I dont need her approval on my life. I can stick my dick in anything I want to. I can slip any stick I wish up my hole. I can shower in either the mens or womens room. I dont need that cunt telling me what I should and shouldnt do.

BIATCH!!

Letter To Hermie's Mother...

2005-04-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

Dear control freak,

Hey BITCH! How the fuck are you? Wait, dont answer that, because I could give a fucking SHIT LESS! You make all creatures big and small, experience pain and suffering. I thought about how I would feel if you died, but then CSI came on and I started fantasizing about how to kill you instead. I am such a disappointment to you, you skanky worthless bitch. GOOD!! Now step the fuck off and go fuck something. Surely SOMEONE will fuck that flea infested crotch of yours, right? Well, go put an ad on the internet then whore. I cant believe I came from such a horrible person. Growing up was shit. Moving out was glorious. Having my own life was wonderful, until you jabbed your blabbermouth hole for a face into it time and time again. You get off on this or something? Its because of you I know that why assholes all over the world, like yourself, are manipulative, contradictory and hypocritial. I own you BITCH. Oh yeah, I got your fucking number, and guess what? Its disconnection time slut.

all my fucking love
Hermie

Hermie's Problem

2005-04-26T17:53:00.000-07:00

Like I have only one right?

Hermie has been a defiant piece of shit all their life. But as of late, Hermie's Mother has been extra special. And by extra special, I mean, bitchville, hole-less whore in heat, riding the cotton pony...the list goes on and on and on. So, Hermie has been extra careful about answering the phone, walking outside, or even breathing. Cuz that cunt has more than eyes in the back of her head, she has eyes on 3 legged squirrels in the trees to watch Hermie's every move. Because apparently Hermie needs to be watched. And suspected. And have 24/7 hermiesitting. Anyway, enough about the police. Back to Hermie's mother. Go away already. Christ, cut the cord. Skank.

Whitie Tighties ?

2005-04-18T19:03:00.000-07:00

So, I got to thinking. Yes. I know. But I went ahead and kept thinking. Regardless. All this Pope poop, got my gears whirlin. I was thinking about Mary and Jesus and the crew. The long robes. Sandles. Sandals. Sandels. Shoes'n stuff. Anyway, my point... do you think they wore a version of underwear beneath those robes? I mean they didnt have "Hanes" or sumthin. So, what then? Strange shit iddinit?

Whats For Supper?

2005-04-14T14:36:00.000-07:00

For those of you who aren't versed in the bible of Psycho Killers, Ed Gein is the Grand Messiah. He was the guy who inspired the movies "Psycho", "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and the Buffalo Bill character from "Manhunter". He looked like a mild mannered Wisconsin farmer and would babysit the local kids or share his "venison" with neighbors. Just a tad shy and a bit odd, but that was Mommy's fault - she was an Uber Religious nut who drilled into him that sex was dirty and all women were evil whores. So when the Need called, he robbed women's graves and took them home. He'd tan them, make clothes out of their skin, make furniture out of them and eat them (ahh.. the "venison"..see you catch on fast!).

On his arrest they found interesting items like a belt made of nipples, a pair of lips suspended from a sting in the window, skull soup bowls, shrunken heads, skinned faces of women mounted on the walls like paper mache masks;; four noses in a cup on the stove, finger necklaces, a vest and leggings made out of a woman's torso and leg skin, various pubic regions with out their owners in a box under the bed. Human parts frozen for future dinners were found stuffed into the freezer and a human heart was in that pan on the stove. The town store keeper was trused up and gutted, hanging upside down like a deer in his shed. Ed thought this stuff up all on his own, which was the novelty of it all. Ed died in 1984 in a mental institution.

This is a photo of his kitchen at the time of his arrest, and a police officer who was on the scene investigating it. You can bet if this happened today some lawyer would have gotten Gein off on the "Sugar Defense" and he'd have been out in 3 years - poor Ed, the Psycho Mommy Abused Victim of his Childhood, you see. Such is the "American Way", eh? ................

WHEW

2005-04-11T09:24:00.000-07:00

That lightening was some annoying shit wasnt it?

AH AH AH AH AH AH !!!!

2005-04-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

8, 9, 10 .......... 10 Bloggers! AH AH AH AH AH !!!!

2005-04-08T23:17:00.000-07:00

Now THAT is what I call a pain in the ass.

Books Im Reading

2005-04-07T18:05:00.000-07:00

...ahh..ROMANCE!!

A Language All My Own

2005-04-07T12:17:00.000-07:00

Soemehanfelkanri. Slknmeroeinn; lkcpii, hehehaslslsafi. Afrd. FILLW!!! SO, anlkafoi sindleo. lldinnaidadf he, loehna ? areawal. asdaoi. hynnsvbbus. nhhhhhhhhh!!!! sdafallo

Suyn, wmsindk shi himm asoien sakni llikkkkk. qwinf,t. asing. asing. asing. (vbnsx, X!!) Dp. as upi lmpw. O cammpt tale tjos amu, prep. Wjp lmpws wjat o, tupmg. Md. wjat o, mpt.

Ayn cimweqt.

Pat.

Pat -0 ...Toe-3

2005-04-06T18:21:00.000-07:00

Fucking hell. Broke my toe today. Pinky toe too. The same damn one i have broke twice before. You'd think my toes would learn to get the fuck out of the way when my foot steps near dangers. Maybe I'll sent my toe to a toe-turial about the dangers of walking in groups. Shit takes like years to heal, only to never actually fully heal. "HEEL Toe!" Christ sounds like im having a square dance in here. Now.. I ...must ...not ...riverdance....

Whatever you do, DONT highlight the blackened part of my scroll above. Thanx, Pat.

Baby Names Worse Then "Hermie/Herma"...

2005-04-05T20:15:00.000-07:00

I deeply apologize if any of you are owners of the following names. I apologize, not for making fun of them, but for having some seriously fucked up parents. Why cant everyone be normal? Like me. Baaaaaaaastagesssss.

Boys:

Abba
Amen
Andrew's (note the apostrophe, as if the mother were reminding herself of whothe father was!)
Apple
As-Matik (say it fast, you'll see what I mean)
Bear
Confession
Dwarf (I don't even want to think about that kid's childhood)
GQ (must have been a handsome lad)
Gal (Relative)
Go
Hey (makes it easy to call him in for dinner, Hey! Hey! HEY!)
Knight
Lisa (A boy named Lisa? Hmmm...might be my relative)
Nadir (which means "absolute lowest point", thanks Mom.)
Oleo (future chef)
Truth ($100 bucks the kid becomes pathological liar)
Unique (15 different Uniques, and one Uneek, which when you think about it,makes him unique)

Girls:

Albert
Beautiful
Beautiphul (beautiful, but in a strange way)
Boat
Chaos (what were they thinking?)
Chevy (I mean, why not Saab?)
Chevette
Choice (as in, "If I had one, I'd have chosen another name!)
Final (does this mean her younger sister is a mistake?)
Galaxy (hope she ain't shy)
He (a she named He? Definately my relative.)
Infinity (I guess infinity is any gender...again, a future relative)
N/A (as in, not applicable?)
Nada
Precious (LOTR Freaks!)
Prince
Promise
Providence
Sin
Tall (you better hope she is, that's all I have to say)
Tangerine
Tequilla (this means Mom won't get upset the first time you come home wasted)
Tierrainney (Yeah, I lost interest trying to pronounce that about half way through.)
Toolio (Probably Coolio's kid, one of them.)
Treasure
Unique (15 of these as well!)
Virgin (ok, so her name will be obsolete around her 16th birthday?)
Wednesday

Then you have parents that just shoulda fuckin thought about the name they give their child and how it relates to their last name. For example, the NASCAR driver Dick Trickle... yeah, thanks mom and pops. Fuckers.

When You Care Enough To Send The Very Worst...

2005-04-04T20:44:00.000-07:00

"Why are so many people turning to Fecalgram.com when they need a gift for that "Special Someone"? Because we send 100% natural, freshly squeezed, human-made turds to anyone in America completely anonymously. Guaranteed." --fecalgram.com

What am I quoting? Yes.. the homepage of Fecalgram.com !! I saw this beauty of a site and thought of my Agent Ho right away. What a nice way to say you care for someone...to send them a pile of shit. And hey, April is "National Fertilizer Month", so you can get your shit at $10.00 off. What... a... fucking... steal... who WOULDNT want this lovely package to arrive?

When I think of the wasted gifts Ive given, and all this time, this timeless treasure was available. Im fucking stupid. No wonder people look at me funny. Its not cuz my big bangin wanger hangs lower than my slipnslide vagina... its because I have failed to step up and redeem myself as a fecalgram giver. I am shamed. I have learned. I have nothing to do but improve now. Yes. And I will. Oh yeah.

Whats your address again?

2005-04-03T06:33:00.000-07:00

Pat
Self Portrait

Yeah, I know. Im a looker. Marriage proposals are not appreciated. Flattering. But, not appreciated. Glory hole locations may be left however. I frequent those. Frequently.

About Me

2005-04-01T08:24:00.000-08:00

Well, alot of people are probably saying to themselves, who is hermie/herma ? Well, lets start with the basdicks, shall we? My name is Pat. Yes, thats me. I live in Middlesex, USA. I used to live in Germany. All the marriage proposals got to be too much. Too, too much. So I left, because as you know, so many of them Germans are just gender confused. They see me as their savior. Flattering, but makes my dick twitch and my pussy leak. I spend a fortune on powders, anti-itch companies have me by the nips and nads as it is.

Anyway, as you know, I moonlight as a nude dancer for Cracker Joe's Diner. But my day job is a bit calmer. Yes. Gym teacher. Now, perhaps a few of you are nodding at this point. I get that alot. Its a very normal, natural thing. I have a brother, Sally. A sister, Bob. I also have a dog that I dont like to talk about. At least not until after my therapy is finished.

If you have any questions, I will be more than happy to answer them for you.

Pat

Career Perks

2005-03-31T21:20:00.000-08:00

Im a rather shy Hermaphrodite. I get uneasy when people look at me funny. Which makes things difficult since I am a nude dancer at the local "Cracker Joe's Diner" on Friday nights. As you all know, this Friday is April Fools Day. Oh, the joy.

So I will be dancing with my hands (its big, I need both) over my penis. I'll bend over and shake my rump and show off my lower lips. Then when Bubba in the front booth least suspects it, I'll let go of my twig and berries and yell " April Fools ". They like that kinda thing there. Maybe a pube will fall in his soup. North Dakota Cheese. Wisconsin was out. Bitches.

2005-03-31T15:21:00.000-08:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog....again

2005-03-31T14:54:00.000-08:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Itching Cream

2005-03-31T13:29:00.000-08:00

I use vagisil on my balls, and Lamisil on my clit. Makes me do stuff Im not proud of in coffee shops. Such is life.